DATELINE: JANUARY 20, 2025 - DEMOCRATS MAKE INEXPLICABLE REVERSALS ON NUMEROUS ISSUES

Shocking Numbers of Democrats Have Suddenly Reversed Long-Held Positions in Politics, but Why?

January 20th, a cold and windy day in Washington DC, seemed normal to the casual observer. But for the growing class of political analysts, it was a day that will live in infamy. While nothing of note happened on that particular fateful day, an ideological storm of policy reversals swept the nation in a manner that stunned the bespectacled, pocket-protector-wearing, nerds who spend their days pouring over political data. What could it be, they pondered, that could drive such a sudden shift in policy positions in an entire political party in mere hours? The life of a Beltway political analyst had been turned inside out and none amongst them knew where to start hunting for clues.

The day began on a fairly common note as the sitting president issued blanket pardons to his entire family, members of the January 6th committee, and various other political allies. Most Democrats shrugged at these actions and argued that they were necessary to protect innocent public servants from the whims of a future dictator who may wield the levers of power as a weapon against his or her political rivals. Thank god, they argued, that the president was using the power of the pardon to shield completely innocent people from persecution and injustice. However, the supporters of presidential pardons inexplicably reversed their political inclinations within hours and argued that presidential pardons are mechanisms of fascism and political over-reach. How dare a president, they mused, throw a spanner in the gears of justice! Damn the cold weather, it’s time to don our crocheted pink hats, take to the streets, and renew our fight against despotic oppression. The political analysts stared at the TV screen in disbelief as they watched pundit after pundit denigrate the “tyrannical actions” that they had openly and proudly supported just moments prior.

One analyst called out to his wife for consultation. Jody, a professor of statistical analysis at George Mason University, sauntered into the room to find her beloved Walter staring at the television while downing his second shot of Ouzo. Did something extraordinary happen, he asked. Maybe a glowing comet with weird radiation hit the region or perhaps a brain-numbing chemical spill from Fort Detrick? Five minutes ago Anderson Cooper was praising the Greek Gods for the justice that President Biden had showered upon his family and ideological allies with totally justified pardons. Now he is curled up in the fetal position weeping, sucking his thumb, and hugging a security blanket fearing that a different president may exercise his legal right to pardon those who he deems deserving. This makes no sense he screamed.. what the hell is going on here? Five shots of ouzo later he was passed out on the couch.. poor Walter, it was just too much for him to handle. Stay off Facebook Walter, trust me on this one.

A few blocks from Walter lived another respected political analyst named Ethan. Ethan and his wife of twenty years Emma were particularly committed to fighting fascism. As descendants of Holocaust survivors and devoted anti-war activists, they felt a duty to their ancestors to oppose fascism whenever and wherever it was encountered. Of particular concern and horror to this dear couple was the Biden administration’s active support for card-carrying worshippers of the Third Reich in Ukraine. The couple had joined an online group called “united descendants of holocaust survivors against Banderites” and swore to defend the memory of their fallen ancestors by opposing the supply of weapons and money to Ukrainian neo-Nazis. They regularly faced derision and contempt from rank-and-file Democrats and endured claims that they were purveyors of Russian propaganda, but the couple had stood their ground for nearly three years. To this proud pair, integrity was far more important than party loyalty. On this date, Emma was shocked. She saw a side of her gentle husband that rarely surfaced. Oh sure, he got occasionally animated during their weekly “Jewish Voice for Peace” Zoom meetings but overall this guy was a kind and quiet soul. Oh, you gotta be f#ckin’ kidding me he shrieked as he watched various members of the liberal punditry rail against a supposed neo-Nazi salute by Elon Musk. I don’t give a sh#t if he did it or not he screamed as he hurled a couch pillow at the television. These hypocrites have been playing pin the medal on the Nazi for the last two years and calling us every damn Putin puppet in the book and just like that they sh#t themselves over a hand gesture… really? What about these Hitler tattooed covered, goose-stepping, Sieg Heil screaming f#cks the CIA has been weaponizing in Ukraine since the 1950s? Poor Ethan made the tragic error of logging into his Facebook account to register his displeasure. He looked over his feed and saw that the same die-hard Democrats that had berated him for not supporting the seed of the filthy animals that had slaughtered his grandparents in Ukraine were now erupting in fury over a reported Nazi salute by the tech bro billionaire. Ethan hugged his wife, and then he too turned to the bottle and drank himself into a stupor. Sleep it off brother Ethan, carry on your good work, and learn the lesson of partisan politics in America. You can’t help these poor ignorant bastards.. they are thoroughly brainwashed.

This tragic story could continue ad infinitum. All over the country, people of goodwill and consistent principles recoiled in horror as they watched all they stood for crumbling in front of their eyes. Loyal Partisans, they realized, stood for absolutely nothing. They drifted aimlessly like leaves in the wind. On January 20th, for some strange reason, something caused an entire party to shift its political inclinations in a manner that was unimaginable just days before. Should Ethan and Emma accept these new allies against the evil scourge of fascism? Emma called her dear colleague Jasmin to see just how deeply this reversal of fortune touched the loyal partisan democrats. She mentioned “Elon Musk” and Jasmin flew off the handle. Jasmin was outraged that a President could associate with a Fascist Nazi-loving low life of this magnitude. Jasmin raged for 20 minutes exhibiting disgust and fury and at times openly contemplating setting fire to her Tesla in protest. Emma decided that it was time to make her move. Jasmin, she said, do you think that you should reconsider your support for the Azov Brigade and the various other neo-Nazi groups in Ukraine? Oh please, retorted Jasmin, you know that’s just crazy Putin propaganda… SLAVA UKRAINE! Emma hung up immediately, she dared not tell Ethan about her distressing experience. The poor man had been through enough.